MITTS FOR MITT

Purple Oven Mitt for A Purple Mitt

OK, so we all know that Romney pretended to be “severely conservative” for the primaries.  But we also all know that that’s not the real Mitt.   And now that the general election is only 200 days away, it’s time for Mitt to drift towards the middle – as we all know he will – and become the purple candidate he actually is.   Sure, this will prove that he has no actual convictions, and that he completely pandered to the far right just to become the GOP nominee.  And it proves that as president he’ll have no actual backbone and will bend whichever the way the wind blows.   But as a purple oven mitt, I love it!   I mean how often does the color purple get into the news (no, not THAT Color Purple)?  All we ever hear about are red states and blue states.   So because I’m purple, and Mitt is going to pretend to be, Mitt is my guy!  And that’s why I’m endorsing Mitt Romney for President!

Baseball mitt underneath dog for Mitt

So here I am, a baseball mitt with a dog on top of me.  Which is weird, because it was the other mitt – Mitt Romney – who famously put a dog on top of his car.   I don’t see what the big deal is.   I mean, this isn’t so bad, for me or the dog.   I’m fine, the dog is fine, what’s the fuss all about?   Why does that story about Mitt strapping a dog to the top of his car keep appearing on the front pages of newspapers, all over Facebook, and now from the Santorum campaign?!

Oh wait, you mean that was a REAL dog, with REAL feelings, who REALLY got sick, and I’m just a porcelain baseball mitt with a porcelain dog with no actual feelings on it?  Oh well maybe that’s different.  Maybe that’s utterly cruel while I’m just a cute decorate keepsake.   But still, this ain’t half bad – we actually look pretty cute together.   So as a mitt with a dog on it, I’m supporting Mitt who put his dog on top of his car.  And that’s why I’m endorsing Mitt Romney for president!

Superman oven mitt for Super Tuesday Mitt

Let’s face it, there are no two words in the English language that go hand-in-hand better than “Mitt” and “super,” as in “I’m a Superman oven mitt,” or “Mitt is going to do super on Super Tuesday.”  Now that we’ve established that, let me elaborate on why Mitt and the word “super” go together so well.   Let me count the ways…Mitt is “super” wealthy, “super” awkward, “super” flip-floppy, “super” cruel to animals, and most of all, “super” Mormony.  I mean you can’t even count the superlatives that apply to Mitt Romney, there are just so many.   And as a Superman mitt, there’s nothing I love more than a superlative candidate dong super things.   And that’s why I’m endorsing Mitt Romney for President!  He’s just so super!

Car washing mitt for Mitt

When I heard Mitt Romney say “I love cars” in a Michigan stump speech, I was very impressed.   And then when he said it again a few days later, I was blown away!  I mean to have the intelligence and insight to tell a Michigan audience “I love cars” when that’s where they make cars?!   Genius.  What a great leader.   And since I’m a mitt that washes cars, I totally know what he’s saying.   I love cars too!  Especially American cars – just like Mitt does.   Apparently he and his wife own four cars.   And she drives two Cadillacs!   That’s so patriotic.   I mean it sucks for the environment for two people to own four cars, but then again…screw the environment!   All I care about is having lots of big American cars with lots of surface area for me to rub all over.  And that’s why I’m endorsing Mitt for President!

Oven mitt that says Michigan for a Mitt who’s from Michigan

Mitt’s in Michigan!  Mitt’s from Michigan!  And this oven mitt that SAYS Michigan couldn’t be more excited!  So what if Mitt has uttered all kinds of bad things about the auto bailout?  So what if he’s completely out of touch with the thousands of people in Michigan that wouldn’t have a job if the auto bailouts hadn’t saved GM?  So what that he’s polling behind that right wing nut Rick Santorum in Michigan?  He’s here!   Oh, if this humble oven mitt could have just one wish it would be that on election night 2012, Michigan’s map will look as red as I do.   An oven mitt can only dream.  And that’s why I’m endorsing Mitt for president!

TBD oven mitt for Mitt

There was a long time when the nomination of Mitt Romney was inevitable, a foregone conclusion.   But then came South Carolina, and then Minnesota, and then Colorado, and suddenly it’s not so clear.  It’s kinda like how I know that one day I will definitely be an oven mitt.  That is unless nobody wants to make their own oven mitt, or they decide to buy one at the store, or they decide that they want a more conservative oven mitt pattern.   Or maybe I’ll never become an oven mitt at all, and I’ll just remain the “oven mitt pattern that was once destined to be become an oven mitt, but never quite made it.”   Yikes.  I guess only time will tell.  Until then, I will be optimistic that I’m an oven mitt in the making.   Just like Mitt will continue to strive to be a real candidate with real beliefs, and a real personality.  Or something like that.   That’s why I’m endorsing Mitt for president!

Mitt on a base for a Mitt with no appeal to his base

See?  This is what it looks like to have “mitt” and “base” together.  Unlike Mitt Romney, who has no appeal to his base, and whose message is clearly “off base.”  But if a mitt like me can get along with his base, I know that somehow Mitt can appeal to his base.   Of course, I don’t know what I’m talking about, because I’m just a stupid piece of leather clutching a baseball.   And that’s why I’m endorsing Mitt for president!

Mittens the cat oven mitt for Mitt

Personally, as a cat mitt, I don’t see what all the fuss was about.  So Mitt put his dog Seamus on the roof of his car.  What’s wrong with that?  Where else would you expect that stupid dog to ride?  Inside the car???   If you ask me, dogs are filthy vermin that don’t deserve to be mentioned in the same breathe as that wonderful man, Mitt Romney.  He’s my hero.  And that’s why I’m endorsing Mitt for president!

Pac Man oven mitt for Mitt

I mean, come on.  What could be more fitting for Mitt Romney than me, an oven mitt shaped like Pac Man?  We all know that Romney is the ultimate Pac Man… SuperPAC that is.   When someone wants something taken out of the oven, I do all the dirty work, so they don’t have to get hurt.   Hey!  Just like Romney’s SuperPAC did all the dirty work for him, so he wouldn’t have to take responsibility for…well, for anything.   He and I are two Pacs in a pod, which is why I’m endorsing Mitt for president!

Random assortment of mitts for Mitt part deux

See “random assortment of mitts for Mitt part one.”